Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
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