What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
