So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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