I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
