while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
