I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
