I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
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