New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
you made out with another girl for some wings
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
