Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
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