I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
