My room smells like vodka and shame
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
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