I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
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If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
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I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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