it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
Actions speak louder than pants.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
