Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Randomize
