took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
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