Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
