Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
