I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I just forgot I was standing up.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Randomize
