Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
That's awesome and prob the first time you had an idea of what to do. I'm super proud of you Chelz
Its cos im stoned ! My high self is maturing
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
