The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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