Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
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