My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
