After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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