I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Randomize
