I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Randomize
