I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
