I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
