i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
