to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
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ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
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I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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