I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
