yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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