watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
