New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Randomize
