I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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