Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
