If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
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