He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
