Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
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