I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
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The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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