Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
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