If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Randomize
