Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
