Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I can't put those talents on a resume
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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