At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Randomize
