dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
