So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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