Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
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