i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
