He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
