apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
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He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
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If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
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