it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize