this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
