Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Randomize
