Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
