i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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