onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
