I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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