I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize
