youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
